Shine
by RelapseAndEscape
Summary: Rewritten piece from GAM days. An insecure Finn believes that he is useless and unwanted. The Hudmels watch as Finn mistreats Blaine. All anyone sees is Finn being far too cold on an innocent Blaine. As Finn's anxiety rises, he realises his admiration for Blaine might be too close to attraction and Blaine…Blaine just wants to be perfect. Blangst. Finn angst. Blinn.


_Right now, I seriously want to write most if not all of my pieces from the GAM days. This one in fact I had rewritten. I liked LR so I'm starting from bottom to top – maybe skipping a few just as inspiration hits. I don't know how to feel about this one but it was definitely better than the first. The vagueness of this is very intentional by the way, that you don't very much explore the emotional response in big detail - everything is told to you but nothing is REALLY explained (aka there are no big paragraphs about feelings - it's direct paragraphs. I wanted you to focus more on imagery and imagining the thing and you drawing your own conclusions from that. I don't know why) but rather just pick up on the implications from different characters. The characterisation is supposed to be very subtle, almost non-existent in some way. _

_This occurs in 3x05 so there's some spoilers for that but it's AU to its ending and it has some Blinn. Warnings for **cheating, mentions of cutting, mentions of sex, mentions of bullying, depression and suicide.** Also, there are some things that may be offensive to you but I did not mean to offend you in any way. if there is a line that is horrible or anything, then it wasn't intentional. The ending is slightly twisted in some sense. This can be considered to have some **Blaine bashing**, and if you look really deep into it, there is a **light smidgen of Kurt hurt.** Mostly indirectly because in my HC, Kurt can't stay mad at Blaine because he thinks he's perfect too. :) I forgot if I mentioned this. Blah blah, fanfic!_

* * *

Blaine was sitting alone in the choir room, his head in his hands. It was in the darkness. They didn't have Glee today. He heard the sound of the door snap shut, practically breaking off its hinge. Blaine didn't look up. He had his head in his hands as he bit down his lower lip.

"What the _hell_ is _wrong_ with you?"

That question propelled Blaine to look upwards to see a horrendously furious look on Finn's face. Blaine felt a twinge of fear in his stomach. He knew why he felt so afraid, because this time he'd messed up. Kurt _must've_ told him everything. He can imagine Kurt crying with his head in his hands and just spitting out everything, word after word, the _reality_ of what happened, _how_ it had gotten out of control—

Blaine bit down his lower lip.

"I'm _talking_ to you," Finn's voice was full of some sort of rage, wavering off slightly, like he didn't want to do what he did but he had to. Of course, he had to defend Kurt's honour. Finn had pushed Blaine up against the choir room's chairs, and Blaine stared up at him.

In that moment, Finn saw a flash of hatred in Blaine's eyes, the first flash of negative emotion he'd ever seen in Blaine's eyes.

"How could you…like…you came onto my stepbrother when he didn't want it. I'm sure that's like _sexual_ _assault_ or whatever. Rachel would've filed it as I don't know _– attempt rape_ or…" Blaine looked like he was going to throw up, thinking of that night in Scandals, with his hands on Kurt. It was still a dream in Blaine's head, a horrible dream that somehow managed to become a part of this reality. "You don't hurt my stepbrother like that, okay? You just don't…"

Blaine looked up at Finn now with fearful eyes.

Finn had slammed a fist towards a chair, purposely missing Blaine. "I just don't get it."

Blaine looked up to lock his eyes with Finn – all of the fury was gone, and had melted away, leaving just a fit of confusion in Finn's hard brown eyes.

"How the _fuck_ are you still _perfect_?"

Blaine found only a silver of his voice, a soft whisper. "What?" his voice rattled with confusion.

"Don't pretend like you don't know it too," Finn spat out. His eyes were darker than usual. "You're like fucking _perfect_."

Blaine had stared at him for a while, seeing a flash of pain in Finn's eyes. Now, it was nothing about Kurt, it was all about how Finn saw Blaine as absolutely perfect. "You know what I would've done? If…If-if Rachel did that to me? I'd…I don't know. I'd get really pissed. Maybe I'd hit her."

Blaine shook his head. "You won't hit her," he said in a simple matter-of-fact voice. "You won't hit anyone."

Finn had slapped Blaine just right then. Blaine looked up with those big brown eyes. "You were saying?" Finn's voice was higher now, torn between pain and rage on Kurt's behalf.

Blaine's eyebrows furrowed in anger. "What the _fuck_ is your problem with me?" Blaine had been so confused.

Finn laughed. The laugh was insane, a laugh of a maniac in all essence. "What the fuck do you think?" Finn finally said, his lower lip trembling. "I just told you! You're perfect! How many times do I have to tell you that you're so fucking perfect and it hurts like Hell? Do you think I like being thrown against the wall for some prissy Dalton boy that I don't know saved Kurt or whatever?"

"You didn't help him," Blaine had simply stated a fact but then he was pushed up against the chair again with Finn's hands against his shoulders.

"Look," Finn said, voice full of defence for himself, the kind of defence that came with a delusion that it was okay that he did what he did. "Kurt didn't want me to get involved."

Now, it was Blaine's turn to defend the reality of the situation. "So that means you should watch your brother be threatened by a bully that _kissed_ him, a bully that had threatened his life?"

Finn's eyes littered with confusion. "W…_what_?" his voice was soft.

Blaine was silent for a while and then his eyes softened. "You…"

Finn had pushed Blaine up against the chair one more time, turning around to conceal his weakness. "Yeah," he said in a vacant voice.

"You didn't know, did you?"

Finn had pretty much all but run out of that choir room. Blaine followed after him, completely not intimidated by the display Finn had pulled on. The hallways were empty and dark. No football practice, no Glee, nothing but Blaine trying to chase Finn.

"Hey!" Blaine exclaimed. "_Stop_!"

"Go away, you faggot!" with that, Finn had frozen completely, and his eyes filled with realisation at what he'd just said. His fingers trembled. His mind racing with the thought of being caught by Burt again.

Blaine was completely thrown back by this comment. "…are you homophobic, Finn?"

Finn wouldn't dare look into Blaine's face but his voice was so warm, so compassionate and understanding. It made Finn want to puke. "It's alright if you are," Blaine said, his voice soft. "I guess living with a gay stepbrother might freak you out or…"

"I'm _not_ _homophobic_," Finn spat out in iciness.

"Okay then," Blaine finally said, his voice awkward and uneasy. "Finn—"

"You don't believe me, do you?" Finn's voice was high, the kind of high that Blaine recognised completely, the kind of high that Blaine knew because Nick got constant panic attacks and his voice got that high. Finn's fingers were twitching. He was trying hard to stay static but his body betrayed him.

"No, I do," Blaine horridly said.

"Is that a lie?" Finn quickly snapped icily.

Blaine stared at him for one time. He blinked his eyes and then he slowly nodded his head, shutting his eyes as if waiting for the punch. He was pushed down but Blaine was surprised when he was met with Finn's warm lips.

Finn looked down to stare into Blaine's eyes, just for that one second. "You are so fucking perfect," and then Blaine heard it – a dark, silent yearning – as he pressed his lips against Blaine's once more. Finn's mouth trailed down to Blaine's neck. "So _perfect_," Finn's shoulder was shaking right now, trembling.

"I'm not," Blaine finally said. "I'm not perfect, Finn."

"Stop _lying_!" Finn slammed his fist towards the floor, purposely missing Blaine's hand that was literally a few centimetres away. "Stop it," he said, voice much lower as he pressed his head against Blaine's shoulder.

Blaine placed a hand on Finn's shoulder. "It's alright."

"I'm so stupid," Finn spat out. "I'm fat and I'm useless."

"Shh," Blaine's hand went towards Finn's back as he rubbed the taller, confused boy's back as softly as possible.

"I wanna die," Finn's voice had wavered off to a mere whisper. When Blaine looked down, Finn's eyes were laced with tears that were threatening to fall but Finn wouldn't let them. Blaine shut his eyes and continued to rub Finn's back.

"I just wanna die."

* * *

Blaine didn't know how long he was holding Finn for, but eventually, it ended up with Finn in Blaine's car in the back seat. They were driving and it was silent. Blaine had passed a tissue box to Finn and Finn looked like he was wondering why before he noticed that he'd allowed tears to spill from his eyes. He picked up the small tissue box from Blaine's hand and had wiped his nose.

"Don't be embarrassed," Blaine had assured him.

"I'm _not_ embarrassed." Finn spat out darkly.

Blaine raised an eyebrow and looked back to stare at Finn. His face was soft and his eyes glittered in the dark. "You and Kurt are horrible at hiding when you're embarrassing. You flush. It's cute," he added on the last bit with a happy chirp.

"Do you regret it?" Finn finally asked. His voice was vacant and Blaine knew what he was talking about – he just did.

"I was drunk…reckless." Blaine nodded his head. "It was no excuse for what I put him through. I tried to make myself look like the victim."

"People do that," Finn reminded him with a snort.

Blaine nodded his head again and then looked back at him. "Did Rachel ever…?" he remembered the play, the initiative for the—

Finn's eyes lit up with some sort of anger. "Did you try to sleep with Kurt _because of like your role_?"

Blaine shut his eyes then shook his head. "Kurt brought it up…it just fell in place after. We just wanted to be spontaneous and adventurous…why would you think that I'd sleep with Kurt for a role? That's _taking advantage_ of Kurt….that's…that's _not_ okay."

Finn shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno," his voice was soft.

Blaine bit down his lower lip. "Did Rachel ever…?"

"Rachel isn't any of your business, dude. Kurt's my stepbrother so of course, your relationship is important but nobody cares what happens to me and you shouldn't either," Finn snapped and then realised just how he much of a mess he felt like, how whiny he was, how stupid he was being but then shook his head. "Just forget it, Blaine. Drop me off at home or wherever."

Blaine shut his eyes and leaned backwards. "I'm not perfect," he simply stated. "I want to be."

Blaine heard Finn snort again. "Kurt used to have a crush on me."

Blaine blinked a few times as Finn explained. "Then he realised I must be a sore loser so he sort of stopped. I've been begging for that to happen before but now that it did, I kinda feel unwanted. Rachel used to want to be with me. Every girl in school used to want to be with me." Finn chuckled this time and then shook his head. "Walked one day, busted kneecap and all, nobody cared. Kurt had you so he forgot to tell me to ice it. I forgot to do it too. Mom was still really busy at the hospital shifts. I thought with Kurt and Burt in the house, I wouldn't be alone, you know? I still am."

Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Rachel—Rachel did try to take advantage of me because of a role, but that's _okay_. Nothing happened."

Blaine stared into the rear-view mirror just to have something to do. "It's _not_ okay," Blaine whispered.

Finn didn't respond to that as he chuckled. "On second thought, just drop me off to Puck's. I think he doesn't have to do anything—"

"It's not okay," Blaine repeated, eyes hard on the road. "Stop avoiding it. It's _not_ okay. I hate that Kurt forgives me for everything. I hate that the Warblers pin after me. I'm not perfect, Finn. Finn…that kiss back there…"

Finn opened up the door of the car.

"_Stop_." Blaine demanded, his voice higher than usual. "Stop trying to run away from things because I know what happens. You'll _regret_ it. _Stop running away, Finn._"

Finn stopped himself from leaving and then he shut his eyes. "Can we just pretend that I didn't cry or whatever and we can go back to hating each other?"

"Fine," Blaine coldly responded, because he was sick of how uncooperative Finn was being. The minute that Finn left, he felt a clench in his heart that was too tight for words. He watched Finn walk off, pulling out his phone – no doubt to call Puck to tell him that he wanted him to come to school and pick him up.

Blaine stared down at his lap, as he curled his lower lip inward. He had no idea what he was supposed to do.

He took a deep breath and opened the keys to his ignition.

* * *

The next dinner at the Hudson-Hummel household was filled with tension.

Carole and Burt can feel it. Kurt kept his eyes flickering between Blaine and Finn. The two stayed in silence and with silence, came nothing but a promise of quietness. They stared at each other as if one was daring the other to speak. Carole cleared her throat. "More casserole?"

Nobody moved to take any more of the casserole. Finn already had a mountain of casserole his Mother had prepared for him compared to Blaine's much smaller scoop.

"What's going on around here?" Burt finally asked, agitated at the tension in the air and the dark silence.

Blaine was the first one to break it. "I don't know, ask Finn." His voice was calm despite the ice in his eyes.

Kurt had sighed erratically and shook his head. "Finn, stop it. It's enough that you do it in Glee. I can't blame Blaine for finally being fed up from it. You've been staring him down like a hawk for months now and quite frankly, I am sick of it. What do you have against my boyfriend?"

Blaine looked down, busying himself with a spoonful of casserole.

"What is your problem with him?" Kurt added on.

Finn stood up, placing his spoon on the table with his plate left practically untouched. His eyes were staring at Blaine, glaring at him for just existing as he simply stated. "If I see him in this house again, Im the one that's moving out, okay?" his voice was teetering on the edge of anger but held in a lot of malice.

Blaine shut his eyes. "I'll do you the favour," he finally said as he stood up.

"This is completely and utterly _ridiculous_," Kurt concluded, standing up and flickering his eyes between the both of them. "I love _both_ of you and I'm not going to choose between my stepbrother and my boyfriend. Why are you both acting this way?"

"He started it, Kurt," came Blaine's weak defence.

"Well, I don't care who started it," Carole finally pitched in, eyes never quite leaving Finn's face. "Finnegan, I raised you better. You will sit down, eat this meal and be civil to Kurt's boyfriend. I am quite disappointed in your recent behaviour."

"So _I'm_ a disappointment now?" Finn's voice rose high.

"You are _not_ a disappointment, Finnegan. _Stop victimising yourself_," Kurt called out, his hands clenched into fists as Finn's eyes flickered towards Blaine for a long time.

"Oh, let's not just pretend how you victimise yourself, Kurt, like that time Burt found Blaine in your bed and you made it seem like it's his fault for not trusting you or whatever," Kurt's cheeks coloured darkly. He stood up as well. Kurt left with Blaine to go to his room.

Just as Finn was about to leave, Carole finally said. "Sit down, Finn."

"Why?" Finn finally asked, as Carole's eyes darkened, which indicated that he should sit or something will happen that Finn probably won't like very much. Finn finally sat down.

Burt was now fixated on looking at Finn. "What's going on right now between you and Blaine? I'm not the kid's number one fan but he did nothing wrong from what I know. Sure, he took Kurt's spot in that musical whatever but _Kurt's_ okay with it."

Finn just pursed his lips together. He searched his mind for a weak excuse. "I'm just sick of him," he finally decided on saying.

"Finn, this behaviour _must_ stop, honey," Carole finally said, staring at him with soft, compassionate eyes. "I raised you a whole lot better."

He promised that he wouldn't explode at Blaine's face anymore but it happened again. He didn't mean for it to happen. It was at another one of those dinners that they so frequently had.

Blaine had been explaining the musical to Burt and Carole for the umpteenth time. "Tony dies in the end and…"

"We've heard it like a million times, okay?" Finn had finally said, causing Blaine to stop talking completely as he looked down so awkwardly at his lap. Finn hated it when he did that because he felt like Blaine was expecting Finn to hit him. "Why do you always act like I'm going to hit you?"

"Like you haven't before?" Blaine raised an eyebrow in question.

Kurt's mouth practically dropped as he stared at Finn for the longest period of time. "You did _what_?" his voice shook slightly. "I thought we were past this! Are you going to start throwing pee balloons at me again and slushying me? How about shoving me down a flight of stairs? Aren't we past—"

Kurt stopped talking. He had never mentioned that Finn had bullied him before. Finn actually was present in them, not as much as him doing it. His mind flashed back to the beginning of the year where he told the guys to let Kurt take off his Marc Jacobs. Finn didn't take pride in it – never did. Kurt looked down, swirling around pieces of chicken with his fork.

"You did _what_ to my son?" Burt's voice was high and full of disbelief.

"Burt, don't you dare accuse Finn of—"Carole was cut off by Finn.

"I _did_," Finn's voice was soft, taking in all of the blame.

There was nothing more than silence. Blaine looked like he was going to throw up. "Do you know…what bullying did to me?" Blaine finally said, apparently completely unaware of Finn's past, or the truth behind it. Kurt's heart clenched in his chest because he knew what Blaine was going to say. He watched Blaine tentatively chuckle as he stood up. Blaine stood up and with that, he'd taken off his shirt. Finn stared at the criss-cross scars that marred the top of his arms, chest and back.

"You think this is bad you should've seen the other guy," Blaine emptily said. "The guy I took with me to the Sadie Hawkins Dance I mean. He's…he's _dead_."

Carole had placed a hand over her mouth. Blaine looked down in shame as he pulled his shirt back on again to cover his shame. Finn walked past him without a word being said to the curly-haired black-haired boy. Kurt had shut his eyes and then finally blurted out. "I was angry," his voice was soft. "Finn didn't do all of that to me as did most of the other jocks. He actually…just tried to make it painless as hard as he did, tried to fit in."

Blaine looked back to where Finn was standing to see that he wasn't there anymore as Kurt continued to talk. "I think Finn is just as scared as I am of them sometimes. He didn't enjoy relentlessly hurting anyone on purpose. He has good intentions."

"Didn't make it any right for him to do what he did to you," Burt finally said, voice dark.

Kurt was about to speak but didn't. He took a spoonful of a carrot. The rest was buried in complete silence.

* * *

Blaine had walked upstairs again to Finn's room after they were all done as opening night was tomorrow and he wouldn't see Finn after days of celebrations and gleefulness. He saw Finn open up the door and then nod for him to come in. Blaine had sat down on the bedside. "Can I see your…chest again?" Finn finally asked, and Blaine nodded his head as slowly as possible.

"Okay," he responded in a softer voice. Blaine had taken off his shirt once more, feeling Finn stare at him for the longest of time. "Do you still think I'm perfect now?" Blaine doubted it.

Finn nodded his head and in return, he pulled off his shirt. Blaine was confused for a moment before he saw mirroring criss-crossed scars all over his chest. Blaine's eyes lit up with sympathy as he walked towards Finn, rubbing a small scar near his hipbone. He looked up at Finn again and then asked. "Who did this to you?"

Finn just stared at him for a while, and gave a fucked-up smile. "Me."

Blaine looked away for a moment and then nodded his head again in understanding. "I hate me too," Blaine finally admitted and then added on. "I'm not perfect. I never will be. My performance tomorrow night won't be perfect because I'm a virgin."

"You sound really selfish right now to me, like you tried to hurt Kurt on purpose." Finn projected his thoughts.

"You don't understand," Blaine snapped coldly. "I have to be perfect."

"Yeah and you're not gonna feel bad if you cheat on Kurt to feel perfect, right? Like…you'd hurt Kurt on purpose for it, right?" and Blaine had nodded his head. He stared at Blaine for a while and then saw something he recognised – a small little glitter of Rachel, something so vulnerable. He missed her too but he can't talk to her. He didn't even know if they were together anymore.

"We _always_ hurt Kurt," Finn finally admitted it.

"Yeah," Blaine nodded his head.

Finn pushed Blaine on top of the bedside, and kissed him in all impulsiveness. Blaine groaned, suppressing a moan. He remembered Kurt mentioning something about Finn's room being soundproof. Carole wanted it to be just that so that Finn's video games wouldn't be heard by the whole house at four am. "Are you gay, Finn?" Blaine finally asked in fits of kisses, like they were the only ones to exist in the world.

"…no, just you."

"Just me," Blaine repeated as he grabbed a fistful of Finn's hair. Finn had leaned back down to kiss him. Soon, clothing was discarded and left on the ground.

The next day, it had been opening night.

Blaine stood there, disorientated, afraid and putting far too much blusher on himself. Artie told him to tone it down. Blaine was frazzled. He didn't understand how yesterday had happened at all.

Rachel was holding a bouquet of flowers in her hands just a few minutes before the show.

"Finn?" Blaine said, just as he stared at the bouquet in her hands.

She guiltily nodded her head. "Yeah," her voice was soft.

Blaine looked at the bouquet of white roses bursting from his dresser. _Mine too._

Just as the song _One Heart, One Hand _played, Kurt watched with a smile on his face, astounded by his boyfriend's performance, unaware of what was going to happen next. After the show, Burt and Carole had met up with Blaine but Blaine couldn't fake a smile any longer.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out.

"Blaine, honey—"

"I slept with Finn, Kurt," Blaine finally admitted and Kurt was so shell-shocked and pale that he had nothing to say. "I'm so…so sorry."

"Don't talk to me," Kurt snapped back in all coldness. "I just want to go home and yell at Finn."

Blaine had followed anyway. It was dark outside and the closer Blaine was to Kurt, the more deathly glances Burt had sent to him. Carole seemed so completely and utterly disappointed.

The world felt like it would stop turning.

Kurt was hurt. Kurt was really hurt. And Blaine remembered Finn telling them that they _always_ hurt Kurt. Blaine knew it was true. Blaine was still guilty. He let his perfection die in that moment in the car with Kurt. He wanted Finn to have sex with him. He wanted to have a reason for Kurt to be angry at him, for Kurt to leave him. Finn wanted it too.

Now, Kurt won't get hurt anymore if they weren't around them. Everything was simple. At least it seemed that way in Blaine's head before. Now, he wasn't so sure...because Kurt was hurting so bad on the inside.

That killed Blaine. It would kill Finn too.

At the house, Finn took a deep breath. He'd gotten a text from Blaine saying that he was going to tell Kurt. Finn only had so little time. He had grabbed a bouquet of flowers, one that he was going to send to Kurt but couldn't, not after what he'd done to Kurt. They were a bouquet of yellow flowers. Had Quinn told her that these meant joy? Finn found the gun on the table and it glinted so nicely. He picked it up, and he did what needed to be done.

"Finnegan Hudson, I won't believe that—"

Finn had watched Kurt stop dead in his tracks. "Finn, what are you going to do with that gun?" Kurt's voice was soft, as Finn had pointed the gun towards Blaine. Kurt had suddenly become attached to Blaine, pulling him closely. "Don't…don't…you'll shoot me too. Do you want me to die as well?"

Finn looked at him for a long while and in a vacant voice, "that was a _test_, Kurt."

"What?" Kurt had exploded from rage, unable to understand but Blaine immediately did.

"You wanted to see if Kurt would believe that you can hate anyone enough to kill them," Blaine finally stated.

Finn snorted, and laughed but then nodded his head. He looked up at Kurt with hot, tear-filled eyes. Kurt didn't seem to understand what was going to happen. Finn's hand had been around the yellow bouquet as Carole finally stated. "Finnegan, drop the gun down."

"_Okay_." Finn finally said as he brought the gun to himself and shot his brains out before Carole can say another word. His dead body dropped towards the ground, his face buried in the bouquet of yellow roses. Kurt had gasped out in full shock as he hyperventilated. He watched the blood seep from Finn's skull. The colour drained from his face completely, and the rest…yet again buried in silence.

* * *

Kurt had caught his ex-boyfriend on the stage. He had just finished a song that Kurt was sure he knew but didn't care about in that very moment. Kurt had walked towards Blaine with a plate of cookies in his hands. "Rachel calls them her mourning cookies. She bakes them to forget about him sometimes."

Blaine nodded his head as he sat down. "She wants you to have one," Kurt nudged Blaine with the plate.

"He said he wasn't gay." Blaine finally admitted. "It was just me, because I was perfect, because I was _like_ Rachel. He loved her too. He loved the both of us because we were so like each other. He told me he wanted to die, you know. A complete and utter stranger."

"You have that effect on people," Kurt said, a small smile resting on his lips as he remembered the Karofsky situation. "Do you want to die?"

Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes. Kurt should be angry at him, but like before, the sadness just overweighed the anger. That was the way it was like with Kurt. One day, he'd hurt himself in the same way Finn did too. "Why would you ask such a question?" Blaine simply asked, his voice soft.

Kurt shut his eyes. "Because you _won't_ eat, Blaine. You _won't_ sleep. You dropped fifteen to twenty pounds when you didn't have that much on you before. You lost all the colour in your cheeks."

"I killed him," Blaine whispered. "I killed him by existing and being perfect, but I have to be perfect, Kurt. I _have_ to be."

"You don't have to be perfect, Blaine," Kurt rolled his eyes but Blaine's eyes were dark, and adamant.

"I _have_ to be," Blaine simply whispered. He remembered how the candlelight shone in the dark. It was the prettiest form of perfection. He stared at the empty auditorium and then, in the softest of voice. "Kurt…Kurt..." Blaine remembered Finn's body slamming towards the ground, his head pressed up against that bouquet of yellow flowers, how planned it was, how _beautiful_ it was. Blaine shook his head at the memory, his lips twitching into a strange smile. "Kurt, he was _perfect_."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


End file.
